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Alternative History

The Titanic Never Sinks

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Cage-Pie

Nicolas Cage is a crap actor.

What would happen to the world if the Titanic never sank?

Because the Titanic didn’t sink, James Cameron had no decent story to write a movie about so he directs a movie about the Titanic not sinking so Leonardo Dicaprio's career fails which causes Nicholas Cage to be cast for the movie Inception which means that Christopher Nolan never writes the third batman movie The Dark Knight Rises so Christian Bale never gets to complete the trilogy that made him popular so he ends up scavenging with Daniel Radcliffe and other used up actors for the crappy film roles but when Christian Bale is cast for The Woman in Black, Daniel Radcliffe stabs him in the back, literally by murdering him and takes the role in the movie but when the media learn of his actions from a random pedestrian who had taken two years to finally contact the police, Daniel Radcliffe is sentenced to life in jail but he suicides before the police come for him and thousands of teenage girls who haven't gotten over the Harry Potter movies also kill themselves causing mass suicides across the nation so it is decided that all movies and bands are banned to prevent further suicides, causing hundreds of underground band concerts and movie re-enactments to be held by the most notorious of mafia gangs and mob bosses but they become so popular that people end up inhabiting these underground auditoriums and stages and a whole civilisation is started there, where people are brainwashed by the bands and plays and eventually nobody lives on the surface anymore but then one person who doesn’t like music or movies realises what is going on and assassinates the main mob boss who controls the place and then he shows the people that the music is actually just auto-tuned and that the singers are just talking and that all the movie re-enactments have Nicholas Cage in them so the people are outraged by the music and plays which turn out to be crap and make their way back to the surface which has been inhabited by Arnold Schwarzenegger clones with little freaky babies sticking out of them saying "Open your miiiiiiind!" and they try to kill everyone but then Nicholas Cage quotes from one of his movies and kills all the Arnold Schwarzenegger clones but then clones himself multiple times so the people are hunted by his clones and are forced to retreat to their underground caves again but one sends out a message saying "If you hear this you are the resistance!" and all the Nicholas Cages hear it so they kill each other and then the humans come back to retake the planet but with no ruling government the world falls in anarchy so Denzel Washington and Jim Caviezel become the new awesome rulers of the world but then someone asks which one is awesomer so they compete to see who is awesomer and obviously Jim Caviezel wins and becomes the ultimately awesome ruler of the ruined planet.

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