Alternate History

Planet Canada

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PLEASE NOTE: I don't mean to offend anyone! I love Canada and I love Canadians and I mean this in the most affectionate way possible. That is all. (Just try reading it in Bob or Doug MacKenzie's voice)

Planet Canada

Beauty, eh?

Good day, eh, and welcome to Plahnet Cahnada. Pull up a chair, don a touque, an' pop open a beer (provided yer 19 er older) and I'll tell ya how we got ta where we are today. Sounds good, eh?

The beginning...

Okay, so like... Canada was settled by the British and yada yada yada, you prolly know all thaht stuff, so hows aboot we just skip to the good parts, eh? Okay? Beauty.

So like, on 22 September, 2012, Canadian Parliament voted to take over the world, eh. But before ya say that's kind'a mean, depriving countries o' their sovereignty an' all, jus' so ya know, Canada decided to take over the world for like, humanitarian reasons. Yeah, eh, they decided that all the poor, sad people in the world deserved good stuff like us Canadians; things like good beer, universal healthcare, peace, cold weather, hockey, and like, the metric system, eh?

I know, I know, just aboot everybody already had that last one, but bear with me, eh? Those poor Americans were still usin' the old system, with all those crazy inches and miles and water freezin' at 32 an' what-not, so we helped 'em oot.

I know, I know yer pro'lly all like "but how'd ya do it, eh?"

...Well that's not really important, so calm down, eh? Anyway, so like, Canada rules the Earth now, and we set to work makin' everybody into happy Canadians. We taught 'em how to spell things right, how to talk right, how to drink real beer (not that weak American stuff... ugh, it's better for rubbin' on zits...), and how to vote for Parliament members instead of a President.

The Americans were especially kind'a sad, and I don't really blame 'em. They were always kind'a independent-like, and pro'lly didn't like the thought o' bein' made a British dominion again and what-not. But they got used ot it. Kind'a had to, eh? Nowhere to go since Canada now ruled the Earth (which we renamed Planet Canada--it's a real beauty, eh?)

More good stuff, eh?

Eventually, though, peopel got kind'a tired o' Harper callin' the shots, so they kicked him oot and he retired to England (now called Oldfoundland). So anyways, the people o' Planet Canada elected a bunch o' people to Parliament who voted Pendleton Ward to be new Prime Minister, eh? And it was like, real fun and stuff havin' him around. One o' the first things he did was make that show of his, Adventure Time, proscribed viewing for all people, under a program he said would serve two purposes: Bring people--especially families--together, and make him money so he could afford a solid gold toilet seat, eh?
Jake pendleton

This man rules the world.

And in the meantime, Barack O'bama, former President of the United States before it got took over by Canada, became the new head of the Canadian Aeronautics and Space Administration, or CASA (formerly NASA), and Pendleton gave him a whole bunch o' money to spend on stuff 'cause Pendleton's a nice guy like that, eh? So Mr. O'bama spent the money on a spaceship to send some folks to Mars and set up a moonbase there... except it would be a Mars-base, I guess....

The Mars-base

O'bama spaceship

O'bama, just aboot to board his new spaceship, eh?

So O'bama and a couple buddies took some beers and touques and got in their new spaceship and like, blasted off to Mars, eh? It kind'a took a while, since Mars is real far off, but it was totally worth it, eh?! They got there, looked around, put a Canadian flag in the ground, and then they set up a few lawn chairs and crack open some beers and like, had a real good time, eh?

Afterward they came back 'cause like, they ran oot'a beers and needed to get some more. So after stoppin' at the government beer store, they put more gas from the Northwest Territories in the ship and invited some more buddies, includin' some women, to come to Mars with 'em and set up a permanent Mars-base. They been up there since like, May, now, and they say things are goin' real good now. Prime Minister Ward's asked 'em aboot paintin' parts o' Mars white so it looks like a Canadian flag, and O'bama and his buddies says their lookin' in to it. It's gonna be a beauty when it's finished.

So there ya have it, eh?

That's how Canada took over the world and turned it into Planet Canada, and brought aboot world peace and what-not, eh?

Oh man, are we already oot'a beer? Hold on, I'll go get more...

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